Terry Brazier has been using MMA to treat his PTSD ever since he was medically discharged from the army.
The 33-year-old may be far removed from his days in Afghanistan, but the trauma of that time period still weighs heavily on him.
Rising through the MMA ranks in Europe to eventually fight for Bellator has kept Brazier for the most part on a steady track, but the coronavirus pandemic forced MMA and every other sport in the world to grind to a halt.
Lockdown in the UK has only just started to ease and Brazier detailed how it’s been another tough period for him.
‘It’s like a virus you can’t get rid of. You can treat PTSD, manage it but never get over it,’ Brazier told Metro.co.uk. ‘I’m not a doctor, but I’ve had it since 2013.
‘I can manage it a lot better now but when it wants to get you, it gets you just as bad as the day after the incident happened. That’s the nature of the beast.’
‘I’ve had some struggles along the way massively in lockdown,’ he continued.
‘I came back from Thailand literally as the lockdown started and I was only supposed to be here two weeks and go straight back to Thailand.
‘Sleep for me is difficult. I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad I can’t sleep. Being tired causes more anxiety and more depression, so that’s a vicious circle.
‘I’ve had some real challenging times, but then when you get forced into a situation, it makes you grow. I’ve been forced to deal with it the last ten weeks and I’d like to say I’m dealing with it better than at the beginning of this lockdown.’
Brazier has found relief in the exhaustive nature of being an MMA fighter, but also abroad in Thailand where he spends most of his time.
‘Thailand… it feels like my home,’ Brazier explained, unsure of when he will be able has to return to the country amid the coronavirus pandemic.
Brazier does not intend to change his training habits due to coronavirus, such is he dependence on being able to travel freely.
‘I started going out there to Thailand to help treat my PTSD and mental health and I bumped into my coach Eric Uresk,’ he said.
‘The focus you need to do MMA and the energy you expel doing it is what helps, I think. If I don’t train for two days, I’ve got way too much energy in the day time.
‘If I am trying to go to sleep then my mind is like fireworks. Flashbacks and all sorts come flooding in. I just know when I train and exhaust my body and for whatever reason, it helps.’
He added: ‘It’s few weeks after the fight when I don’t feel I have a purpose, that’s what it is – it’s having a purpose. Definitely, it helps with mental health.’
It isn’t the thrill of the fight that draws Brazier to MMA. Fighting is awash with war metaphors. It’s a popular narrative with fighters who have to reconcile risking their lives every time they step in the cage.
But Brazier has been through war, experienced everything it has to give to a person, and what it takes away. The Londoner shudders every time a fighter compares competing with war.
‘A fighters best line best line is “I’m ready for war” – no, you’re not. Believe me, you’re not,’ Brazier said.
‘No one is ready for war. It is the most messed up thing a human can do. It’s not cool or clever.
‘Taking another human’s life and fighting for your life is not something you can train for. The army trains your body and gives you weapons but they can’t prepare you for what it’s like.
‘You can train to physically take someone’s life but you can’t train someone to be prepared for how it feel or how it changes you. You can’t train to be prepared to have that fear inside you where you’re trying to stop yourself from dying.
‘And then you’re trying to stop people from dying – you can’t deal with that and you can’t be trained to deal with it. I’ve been through it all and even now I wouldn’t know what to say to someone.
‘It does cringe me out. And these other fighters who give out gun signs and say they’re prepared for war, they haven’t got a clue.’
Like the rest of the Bellator roaster, Brazier is stuck in a sort of no man’s land. The promotion is based in America and although it has an established European fight series scheduled, unlike the UFC, Bellator’s behind closed door events will begin in the US.
MMA fighters are facing an uncertain future and Brazier admitted he was relieved to have other avenues of income aside from fighting. Many of his peers, he says, do not have the same fall-back.
Brazier, though, is itching to get back to training and the lightweight is ready to start yet another chapter in his life.
‘I only joined the army when I was in a lot of trouble when I was younger,’ he said.
‘I decided to turn my life around and genuinely when I joined the army I didn’t even think about going to war. Didn’t cross my mind. People say “go to the army and sort your life out” and that’s what I did. Couple of years later I found myself in Afghanistan.
‘But listen, I think everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change it, not for the world. I’m fighting for the best promotion in the world by far and I wouldn’t be here at this level if I didn’t join the army. I don’t regret nothing.’
‘I’ve had a rough couple of years to be honest,’ he added. ‘I got divorced, lost my mum and all this amongst trying to fight for Bellator.
‘That’s a lot of pressure and stress by itself. I sort of lost my way a little bit. I’ve had a couple of really crap fights and I’ve not shown who I am.
‘Rather than having any goal of being a champion, my goal this year is show how good I am and what I’m capable of.’
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