Joey Essex has spoken about the impact of his mother’s death, saying that his memories surrounding her are ‘dark and negative’ after she took her own life 20 years ago.
The former Towie star opens up about his experiences in the upcoming BBC Three documentary, Grief and Me.
It sees the 30-year-old go to therapy after his mum Tina took her own life while battling depression when he was 10 years old.
The powerful film sees Joey in tears as he explores how the death of his mother continues to shape his life, even revealing that he fears girlfriends will leave him just as he felt his mother did.
Speaking about his experiences to Metro.co.uk and other press, Joey said that the memories surrounding his mother and her death are ‘horrible’.
‘All the memories that I always think about, they’re all negative, they’re all negative. I remember being at my mum’s funeral when I was 10 years old… All my memories from my mum are negative or dark, depressing, horrible memories,’ he said.
The film sees Joey revisit home recordings for the first time and go back to his childhood home, which has helped him to reevaluate his life as a young child.
‘That was the worst time of my life. I’ve dealt with the worst day of my life. I’ve got nothing to lose, and that’s how I see life.
‘When I watch the movies and when I went back to the house it brings back the happy memories,’ he said.
Joey’s sister Frankie Essex, his cousin Chloe Sims, his dad and his nan also feature in the documentary, with the star explaining how the experience has affected their relationships.
‘We have got a lot closer, especially with the people that I don’t talk to a lot. I don’t speak to anyone about it, to be honest, no one at all. Not even my dad. It is unbelievably difficult. Everyone in the family, I feel everyone’s pain.’
Joey also spoke about the way he would often try to ‘fill a gap’ as a younger man, spending money in an attempt to distract from the grief he was experiencing.
‘I’ve always tried to fill a gap. Getting money in my life, that’s what I did. I bought a Lamborghini out of anger. Because I was upset at the time,’ he said.
‘That’s what I’ve done in my life, just spend money and thrown it away because I can’t fill that gap. But obviously that doesn’t solve the problem at all. I think for me, I need to find happiness. I need to start dealing with the grief.’
Joey hopes that by sharing his experiences, he can encourage others struggling with grief and mental health issues to seek the help they need.
‘Hopefully people can look up to me,’ he said. ‘You have to go and get therapy. You have to make that step forward. So I hope that this documentary myself can hopefully help people.
‘That would put a big smile on my face. That would create another big part of happiness in my life.’
Joey Essex: Grief and Me will be available on BBC iPlayer from 6am on June 3 and air on BBC One at 9pm.
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