‘I recently found out my last boyfriend cheated on me during our relationship, which he ended earlier this year.
‘He’s not the first man to cheat on me — and I suspect there were other times I don’t know about too.
‘Some days I feel like I’m tainted in some way and that it will always be like this.
‘I’m angry because I was good to him, and a part of me wants to confront him but I don’t know if it’s worth the bother. He knows I know but I don’t suspect he cares.
‘How do I move on and raise my confidence?‘
You want closure and that’s natural. Confronting him will feel tempting now but the reality might not be so helpful.
‘It could just humiliate you — by exposing how little he cares and how much you still do,’ says James McConnachie. ‘Because you do. You’re angry because you’re hurt and you’re hurt because you care.’
When a partner betrays us, our self-esteem and beliefs related to trust are crushed.
‘Discovering an ex cheated has that same effect, even if it happened a while back,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘While it is natural to look for answers within, the answers mostly lie in your choice of partner.’
It seems that you’re in a well-worn groove: partners hurt you, leaving you feeling ‘tainted’, and although you attempt to move on and ignore the pain, you bring it all to the next relationship with the same results.
‘When did you first start to suspect men were cheating on you?’ asks Rupert Smith. ‘When did you notice you were always getting drawn into relationships with the kind of men who were going to confirm your low opinion of yourself?’
Not believing we are worthy of a committed, loving relationship has its roots in a childhood where we were dismissed, overlooked and criticised. This realisation can be challenging to process, so be gentle with yourself.
‘Let yourself be vulnerable. Let the pain works its way through — which, in time, it will,’ says McConnachie.
Then seek ways to change the pattern of neglectful partners.
‘Ask yourself, does this man look or act like my exes? Does he show genuine concern for me? Does it feel like a partnership of equals or am I going to be the one doing all of the chasing and adjusting?’ says Rudkin.
Eventually, this new relationship with yourself will connect you with the confidence you desire.
‘You will realise you’re not “tainted”,’ says Smith, ‘but that you’re simply stuck in ways of relating that are causing you pain.’
So forget confronting your ex. Gently confront your own feelings and beliefs instead.
The experts
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk
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