You’re sitting opposite a handsome, charismatic, well-dressed date and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.
Not only is this incredible man interested in you, but he showers you with praise and even cares enough to help you choose from the menu.
Beware! Did this Prince Charming ‘rescue’ you when you were particularly vulnerable? Does the conversation turn back to him all the time? Is he estranged from his parents – and does he not talk to his own mum?
These are red-flag warning signs that you could be in the clutches of a narcissist.
Lockdown has increased their vice-like hold over their victims, allowing them to control finances, to gaslight, isolate and eventually to walk away. And they won’t look back when they’re done with you – because narcissists lack any empathy.
‘Lockdown has been a narcissist’s paradise,’ says divorce lawyer to the stars and regular TV pundit Vanessa Lloyd Platt. ‘They’ve had their victims at their mercy – isolated and helpless.’
Calls to Lloyd Platt’s office from female – and male – victims of narcissists have risen 30 per cent over the past year.
‘People are ringing me from their cars because that’s the only place they can talk in private,’ she says. ‘And they are desperate.
‘Both genders and all age groups have fallen victim. I’ve seen many bright young women in their 20s or 30s who are being gaslighted by partners – a technique used by narcissists where they pretend their victims are going mad.
‘In its extreme form, narcissism is a mental disorder and the impact on victims and their families is huge.
‘Virtually all of my clients who have fallen victim to these manipulative charmers say the same thing: “I don’t understand – they were so loving at the beginning. All I want to do is go back to our early days.”
‘The victim is craving the love-bombing that happened at the beginning of the relationship but the narcissist turns the charm on and off, not capable of loving anyone except themselves.’
In order to function, a narcissist needs to have a victim, says therapist Paul Levrant.
‘It’s like an addiction and the victim is their fix,’ he says. ‘But if a partner who is too good to be true starts to criticise you, makes you feel that everything that goes wrong is your fault, is prone to outbursts of rage and denial and you’re being gaslighted into believe you’re seriously flawed, and you’re beginning to feel anxious, depressed or both, reach out for help – from a trusted friend, family member, therapist or divorce lawyer.’
Levrant has seen a rise in victims of narcissism in his London practice.
‘There’s definitely been a rise in victims and I don’t know if this is because more people are aware of it and reporting it.
‘Dating sites are the perfect environment for narcissists because they can create a web of deceit.
‘This isn’t just men manipulating women because it happens equally across both sexes but female narcissists are harder to spot.
‘Narcissism is a spectrum of behaviour and in its most extreme is
a recognised mental disorder. It has come about for any number of reasons often linked with childhood trauma and abandonment.’
‘Narcissists aren’t always conscious that they are acting this way. Sometimes they simply can’t help it because they are so needy they have to keep someone in their orbit and they will manipulate that person to ensure it happens.’
‘Narcissistic personality disorder is not always treatable,’ adds Levrant. ‘It can be managed via a combination of therapies, maybe even psychoanalysis, because people who have socially awkward disorders can learn by rote how to behave.
Alternatively, advises Levrant, ‘Just run for the hills.’
Five signs of narcissism:
Never taking any responsibility for their actions
Instead, they blame everyone else because they believe they are perfect.
Lack of empathy
Their needs come before everyone else and every situation is managed to suit themselves.
Gaslighting
They pretend that things have happened that haven’t such as, ‘I gave you that money the other day.’
The aim is to make their victim doubt their own mind and instincts.
Pathological lying
They can have six affairs in a row and swear blind they’ve never cheated. They actually believe their own lies.
Extreme childhood
Narcissists may have been spoilt as a child or have abandonment issues. Often as adults they are estranged from their parents and sometimes siblings.
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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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