‘I’m arranging to meet a friend of a friend who I’ve been chatting to for the past few months.
‘He’s a big character with a colourful past. He’s very funny and helped my winter pass a lot quicker — I live alone and we started messaging regularly.
‘He’s pursuing me and although I like him and find him attractive, I’m not sure I fancy him.
‘I was clear with him about not wanting to lead him on and he said he totally understood.
‘I’m looking forward to meeting him, though. Any advice?‘
You say you like him and find him attractive but you’re not sure you fancy him. What will it take?
‘I can think of nothing nicer than meeting with an attractive man who has a bad reputation but you seem to be terrified by the idea of meeting someone in the flesh,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘Is there something in you that fears intimacy? Or is this a lockdown thing?’
Questioning the legitimacy of an online relationship is to be expected. Whenever we meet someone in the flesh, we’re confronted with the reality of the person not an ideal.
‘Some of us will also be feeling like our social muscles are a little puny after months of not using them,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘With life stripped to the bare minimum during lockdown, any human contact felt far more meaningful and this guy clearly lit up the last few months for you.’
Feeling wanted is a powerful feeling, especially if you have a history of not feeling wanted.
‘If he gives it and then withdraws it, you could get hurt,’ says James McConnachie. ‘But the risk of being hurt is present in every single thing in life that’s worth doing and the more a thing is worth doing, on the whole, the greater the risk of being hurt.’
Plus, our avatars are always braver and more nimble than we are.
‘We send them off, jumping from platform to platform, and don’t worry about them falling,’ he continues. ‘We can be far more open and honest on that little screen than we can face to face.’
However, this does not take away from what might be your intuition ringing loudly.
‘He could also potentially be a player who prefers the excitement of getting to know someone rather than the reality of knowing someone,’ Rudkin adds.So take things slow and steady and set clear boundaries with him. Suggest meeting for a coffee during the day and see how you feel when you’re sat next to his real-world self. You’ll know then.
The experts
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk.
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