Tom Jenane was 27 when he entered his first romantic relationship.
He was young. To some, he was a baby with much life experience to be won and lost.
However, in a society that skews our idea of youth, 27 is old – and having been relationship-free up to this age had started to weigh heavy on Tom’s mind.
‘Once it passed a certain point, I started saying in my head that I would never meet someone and I think I slightly closed up,’ he tells Metro.co.uk. ‘It’s ridiculous looking back, but I was very self-conscious. It seemed easier to avoid relationships than put myself out there for fear of being rejected.’
This anxiety around relationships and age is more common than people think.
When hormones run rampant as teenagers, romantic encounters are the essence of life. First love is explosive and all the drama that ensues during those years is often connected to matters of the heart.
From a young age, whether through our social worlds or popular culture, we are told that love and romance are central to life.
Despite this, the age at which we get married is increasing.
Last year figures from the National Statistic Office showed the average age British women get married is now 35.7. For men, it’s slightly higher at 38.
In 1972, those average ages were 24.7 and 27.4 respectively. While overall marriage rates are at their lowest on record, sinking by 45% since that very year.
The numbers reflect the change in society. Marriage is no longer the beacon of financial and life security it once was. Individuals now place career and other elements ahead of it on their life to-do list.
However, we still can’t shake the societal pressures that come with youth and relationships. In many ways, we remain like the generations before us – just without the ring and contract.
In a Reddit thread published five years ago, a man in his late twenties asked users: ‘A guy [late 20s] has never had a long-term relationship…is that a massive red flag?’
The responses were a mixed bag.
One user answered: ‘I guess on paper, it’s a bit odd in your late twenties and I’d want to know why, but it didn’t cross my mind at the time and that’s certainly not a massive red flag in my book.’
While another said: ‘By late 20s, yes, probably, unless there were some unusual circumstances.’
So why is ageism rife in romantic relations?
Dating and relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan says much of it is down to human nature.
‘As humans, we are meant to be part of a community,’ she explains. ‘We feel that connection is associated with having a partner and procreating.
‘For a lot of people, it’s about ticking the milestone boxes off to show how well we are doing in life.
‘But relationships should not be for that reason or companionship alone. Relationships are for deep connection and love.’
The connection of the red flag and not having a relationship in your early years seems to stem from the idea that a person might be romantically stunted, or might not be ‘good’ at relationships due to lack of experience.
While Tom says he never struggled with emotions, it did take him some time to realise what was normal and what wasn’t in a relationship.
‘The first person I dated was quite possessive, so I did question whether this was a normal aspect of a relationship and whether my friends went through this,’ Tom explains.
‘It wasn’t until it was over that I realised how controlling they were.
‘I didn’t really know what was the norm, but I did see friends who were able to meet up, or they would bring their partner to a beer garden with friends and just seem to have fun while I was nervous, treading on eggshells constantly.’
Olivia Quirke-McFarlane was 23 when she entered her first relationship but felt she was a late starter, even at that tender age.
Having watched her friends in relationships growing up, she had to learn for herself what it meant to be committed.
‘In my 20s I had to fend for myself,’ she says. ‘It was all new to me. My best friend had been in a relationship throughout our teens but by the time I entered my first, they were pretty much out of the honeymoon phase. I realised quickly that phase doesn’t last forever.’
She notes that she had an image in her head about what a relationship should be like. But like most things in life, the reality was different.
‘To be honest, I do wish I had got into a relationship younger, but coming from a small town, it was hard,’ she explains. ‘I had a picture in my head. I wanted it to be traditional, something a bit more organic but it wasn’t.
‘The biggest learning curve for me was just to go with the flow and not rush into anything.’
While Olivia feels being in a relationship in those early stages of life would have helped, Sarah believes this is not the case. Timelines are different for everyone and this aspect of life should be normalised.
‘Your younger years are about learning lessons of all kinds,’ she explains. ‘It’s a massive stage of growth where people are learning who they are, what they like, what they want and they start to get clear on their values, needs and goals.
‘This is also a period where people make “mistakes”, but what they actually mean is they have experiences that they take lessons from in order to take forward into the next stages of their life. Those lessons can often be about love and the loss of love.
‘Not being in a relationship in your teens or 20s doesn’t affect your relationships in life – all romantic experiences and our attachments formed in other interpersonal relationships around us such as with friends and family can teach us about our styles of communication in love, care and devotion. They can also teach us about our boundaries or lack thereof.’
For anyone currently in the throes of worry about their relationship status, Sarah says to remember to always have fun. Take the pressure away and enjoy your life and dating for what they are.
‘The pressure of dating from peers, forming a relationship or needing the person you’re currently dating to ‘be the one’ can put so much weight on the situation it can make dating unenjoyable,’ she says.
‘Do what feels good and right for you. And remember, whatever it is you’re feeling right now, you are not alone and you are in the same boat as so many.’
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